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Spiritual practices and Shame.

  I've been having a conversation the last 2 days with God, which as they always do, started with me wondering about things. My latest wondering: how do some Christians come to the conclusion that the ‘right’ way to be a Christian involves, church every Sunday, 5 am wake ups, reading the bible for 2 hours/doing a devotion, MUST read their bible and pray every day and if you don’t then….. what do you tell yourself? I had been telling myself I must be a bad Christian or not Christian ‘enough’ because I don’t have these set routines. But who sets these? Don’t get me wrong, spiritual disciplines are important, as is being daily and deliberate. I’ve been thinking of it like this: Imagine the person you are the closest to, perhaps a husband or wife or someone you love very much, that relationship did not come about without some type of spending quality time, perhaps being daily and deliberate working on that relationship, yet now you know this person and there are still new and excitin...
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Anniversaries

Anniversaries are really important to me. These are markers in my life that help me to understand myself. They help me to make sense of time and space. Some are really positive like 2nd March 2021 the last day I self harmed. Or 17th March 2019, the first day I committed to being sober. Or 2nd February 2023, I moved to Ōtautahi,Christchurch to study counselling. Or 5th September 2020, the day I graduated rehab Or 28th February 2016 I moved to Te Whanganui a Tara, Wellington. But there is painful anniversaries 2rd March 2021 My sister Frances passed away 26th June 2020 my niece Katherine passed away Other ones that are just really hard to forget as much as I'd wish I could. For myself, living with C-PTSD its been important to mark these anniversaries in my phone calander, no matter if they are the good and the painful. To process through the pain and grief and to live into joy and celebration. Trauma impacts memory, so marking these anniversaries each year (Good, hard or j...
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2023 reflections

 I've lost count at how many times I've tried to write a post. Most of my writing over this past year has been for me and as well as all my essays for school. 2023 was a big year of learning,  Moving cities (and islands) away from my the majority of my support system. On-going grief of my sister and niece being gone. Relationship breakdowns. More loss,  The hopes I had in my church flat that ended abruptly, through no fault of my own and seeing people choose self protection, defensiveness and avoidance over freedom, reality and love. (Community needs commitment to open and honest communication and conversations, this is something I'm deeply grateful to have experienced through my time in Blueprint) Hard conversations that only paid off some of the time.  Digging so deep into my trauma that I hadn't been able to face and becoming pretty unwell that it felt so hopless and never ending. (Grateful for ACC counselling) And ending the year pretty unwell with Covid, on stre...
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Belonging.

 In a recent lecture, (will most likely be a theme in my life during my studies) I found myself confronted with my own inner dialogue and it wasn’t anything new that I didn’t already know. It was more the realisation that this narrative is shaping the way I live, move and exist in the world. That I don’t belong. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to fit in. fit into what I think this world wants me to be, what the people around me expected me to be and what I believed I needed to be to belong. Recently I saw a short video where Brene brown said the opposite of belonging is fitting in. “ Fitting   in  is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted.  Belonging , on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” Be who we are. Who is that? Who is that when you have spent a life comparing, changing and a lot of the time deciding there is no way I can become a person who will belong, becau...
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My New Self

I have been trying to put my thoughts and feelings together for the last few weeks. They are a scattered mix of hope, grief, longing, deep gratitude and pain which I've come to expect with any great time of change.  I could of never imagined the live I'm living even only a few short years ago. And it's exciting and wild and scary and I feel nervous about it. Because it's new, this life I'm living is all new. And it's not even about a new city or new community or even new people. It's about me, I'm new. This state I'm living in is new. My view on the world is new. It's fragile yet resilient. It's soft yet solid. It's mature yet naive.  I remember back to my last few years, living in Central Wellington in intentional community and the fear and pain that drove my life. That deep, paralyzing fear of being not good enough, being rejected and alone. The pain from how I saw the world. I saw the world as unsafe, a place I didn't belong and th...
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Doubt.

 I recently moved back to the South Island after almost 7 years of being in the north. I’ve moved to study to become a Counsellor. It’s day 12 of being here in Ōtautahi Christchurch, and it’s finally stopped feeling like a holiday and started to feel like the reality is sinking in. I’ve left my entire life behind to trust God in what I and many have spent close to 2.5 years decerning. It’s wild, crazy, scary and brave. Doubt is a normal part of life I’ve learnt to not be afraid of it and to welcome it into my life. In the places of doubt, I’ve experienced God in ways I could have never even considered let alone experience.  I’m grateful to my Blueprint/Renew/Anglican  whānau for the journeying we have done, that forged my faith, the deep, wide, solid faith I now carry and live with today. That faith stood the test of time in processing through my trauma, working on my recovery, and being a part of an Evangelical church that threw my faith sideways and upside down yet g...
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Grief. A reflection.

Grief  I have so much Grief  It just bubbles up The more I can't see it, the louder it becomes, like a pot of water on to boil, the energy overwhelmed my soul. So many blindspots that I can't keep track of, leaving me in a state of confusion. I wish it wasn't this way. I beg and pray for God, please any other way.  For God.  My emotions flood over me, hitting me like a tidalwave, flooding my soul, overwhelming my mind, finding it hard to make sense of the truth. Grief is more then loss. It's also about the things that should of been and could of been and all the hopes and dreams that become lost. In my grief I get lost in the I wish I wish it wasn't this way I wish it could be different  I wish I didn't feel this I wish for it to be different  I wish God could seen me, and didn't abandon me. God, please why, why is life this way? There's so much pain and suffering in our broken world.  so much grief. Overwhelming. Longingly I try to wait. Try is all I ...
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