Spiritual practices and Shame.

 

I've been having a conversation the last 2 days with God, which as they always do, started with me wondering about things. My latest wondering: how do some Christians come to the conclusion that the ‘right’ way to be a Christian involves, church every Sunday, 5 am wake ups, reading the bible for 2 hours/doing a devotion, MUST read their bible and pray every day and if you don’t then….. what do you tell yourself? I had been telling myself I must be a bad Christian or not Christian ‘enough’ because I don’t have these set routines. But who sets these?

Don’t get me wrong, spiritual disciplines are important, as is being daily and deliberate. I’ve been thinking of it like this: Imagine the person you are the closest to, perhaps a husband or wife or someone you love very much, that relationship did not come about without some type of spending quality time, perhaps being daily and deliberate working on that relationship, yet now you know this person and there are still new and exciting things to learn about them. You don’t need to ‘work’ on the relationship in the same way as you first did when you first met them. And now you most likely have some fun things you enjoy doing with them that build that deeper connection, right?

I think is this the same with God, that as new believers we must build our foundations of the relationship with God, spending time to get to know him (and he getting to know us, through our own eyes) For me this has been in the past, reading my bible daily, daily prayer and devotion, weekly church, community commitments etc. All these things are good and important. But what happens when we have built a strong faith? Do we keep working on the relationship in the same ways? Perhaps, and for some people this is important, and it is how they are wired to connect with God. That is great. But who on earth decides what is the ‘right’ things to be doing as a Christian? and what if for some of us, it becomes another chore or task to do? To tick off that list? That we aren’t wired in this way? And what happens when we aren’t doing these?

I will tell you what happens.

Shame.

This conversation with God came about because I have become sick of the shame I place on myself when I’m not doing what I think is expected of me as a Christian And I want to say again, daily and deliberate spiritual practices are important. Still, when we don’t do them and shame floods in, I think it's time to reevaluate their role and place in our lives.

When I was having this conversation with God (which was in the most vulnerable place you could be, the shower) which started more as a conversation with myself and God popped in, I got this deep sense of God saying to me ‘Why would I expect you to spend time with me, hanging out and building relationship in ways that aren’t you? Of course, I want to spend time with you in the ways that you enjoy and because you enjoy them, I enjoy them for I created you in my image’.

I think if you have experienced shame leaving you know that deep sense of relief that comes. In that moment I realised that my inner dialogue had been working away at a subconscious level, telling me a story that because I am not doing all these ‘Christian works’ then I am a ‘bad Christian’ and the result of that was ultimately shame.

Shame causes hiding behaviour, I know for myself that shame is present when I am doom-scrolling on my phone, maybe for a few hours because whatever it is that needs doing is too hard or my executive functioning will not allow me to activate (Thanks ADHD/CPTSD) and I needed space and a break from the uncomfortable feelings, which, you guessed it, is likely shame.

I believe Shame was never intended to be in this world and is a result of the brokenness of the world. Christians like to use the word ‘Sin’ to express any behaviour outside of God's plan and design, but I’ve found all this word seems to do is cause shame. Then we get stuck in shame cycles where we are working so hard to be ‘good’ mostly to avoid this shame that is all throughout our body. And the more we work doing what we think we should be doing to be ‘good’ and not ‘sin’ the more we end up falling short and screwing up, leading to – you guessed it, more shame.

John 15:1-17 (New Living Translation) is the scripture that has been with me during this conversation with God. It’s Jesus talking about being the true vine, and there is so much to unpack in this scripture (to caveat that I am not a theologian), I do think those images of being pruned to bear more fruit, we must get honest with ourselves about our ‘Christian-ness’ and what role it plays in our lives. Perhaps scolding ourselves and speaking words like ‘sinner’ over ourselves won’t bear the fruit of Jesus?  But remaining with Him in the ways that God created us to enjoy could?

Jesus says in verse 9 that we are to remain in His love. His love could look like getting out of bed at 5am to spend 2 hours with him, reading the bible. Or it could look like picking up rubbish at your local beach, going for a walk, playing a board game with friends, or even building Lego. For me, having ADHD means each day tends to look different, and because God created me, in his image he knows this, and wouldn’t expect me to be any other way.

I think finding out what kind of time with God you need involves some hard, honest self-reflection. For me there are still times I need to be disciplined and deliberate in spending time with God those times when you know in yourself a good afternoon of quiet bible reading (or even that 5am start) is what you are needed for that day, week, month or even year. We can become complacent and just get sucked into busyness and even forget to spend time with God. It is really important to continue to build that relationship as are all relationships. I think perhaps if you are more this way, the daily and deliberate routines are helpful. But when they become ‘ must do’s instead of ways of being, I wonder if that is when shame has started to do the talking.

In John 15:12-13 it says ‘This is my commandment: love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friend’ and then repeated in verse 17 ‘This is my command: Love each other’. I think when we spend time looking at our own and others' faults and failings, shame also creeps in and starts to take over. I don’t believe shame and love can co-exist, however, I do believe love is more powerful and transformative than shame could ever be. Only loving relationships become the container that the hard conversations that bring change can be had and heard.

Only love can lead us closer to God.

Why is it that we are so willing to shame others, and ourselves for our lack especially when it comes to spiritual practices instead of offering the compassion and grace that support change?

For me personally, it is easier to love others and God than to love myself. But as Matthew 22:37-39 reminds us that loving God is important but equally as important is to love your neighbour as yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself and not shame yourself for the things you have not done. Love yourself by spending time with God building that Lego plant, have bubble tea or even get up at 5 am to pray. Only you truly know in what ways spending time with God builds your relationship. Only you know what doesn’t lead to shame.

I think if it's causing you shame, it’s got to go. Get gone, out of here. (Not to be confused with that healthy guilt that leads us to change, but that’s a whole other post.)

The way I spend time with God pretty much is this: I have an inner dialogue that I am constantly narrating inside, and He is just a part of that continuing conversation I am having (Hence how this piece of writing has come about). I realised this when I was able to realise that being created in God’s image means that I am unique and different and that is a really cool thing. That also means so are you and everyone else on this planet, yet we are all made in his image.

So who we are inherently carries the likeness of God. That is uniquely special and needs to be celebrated more often. So, the next time you have the urge to buy some Lego or go on a spontaneous adventure, consider that maybe God is also excited to join you and spend quality time doing this thing you are enjoying. And that shaming yourself for missing your devotion this morning isn’t helpful.

Maybe this is what love is about.