Anniversaries

Anniversaries are really important to me. These are markers in my life that help me to understand myself. They help me to make sense of time and space.

Some are really positive like 2nd March 2021 the last day I self harmed.
Or 17th March 2019, the first day I committed to being sober.
Or 2nd February 2023, I moved to Ōtautahi,Christchurch to study counselling.
Or 5th September 2020, the day I graduated rehab
Or 28th February 2016 I moved to Te Whanganui a Tara, Wellington.

But there is painful anniversaries
2rd March 2021 My sister Frances passed away
26th June 2020 my niece Katherine passed away
Other ones that are just really hard to forget as much as I'd wish I could.

For myself, living with C-PTSD its been important to mark these anniversaries in my phone calander, no matter if they are the good and the painful. To process through the pain and grief and to live into joy and celebration. Trauma impacts memory, so marking these anniversaries each year (Good, hard or just random) have helped my body to make sense of where we are in the year.

I'm blessed having friends that will celebrate the smallest wins. When I finished my first year of study my friend Dan gave me a card and we celebrated. Completing that year was a huge achievement for myself, somthing I hadn't considered until that moment of invitation to celebrate this milestone. This is the beauty of community holding this space for us when we are unable too.

Marking anniversaries is somthing we don't do enough. Sure we do big ones, wedding, birthdays etc but why not ones that are equally important? Is it because we don't want to feel the painful ones? Is it that we think it's silly to celebrate small?  Or what's the point?

I've learnt that the point is, that I matter.
You matter.
We all matter.
And so, because these anniversaries matter to me, for many reasons, I mark them.
When they come around, I give myself permission.

I cry, mourn and grieve for those that ive deeply loved and lost and potential losses that come when the people we love pass.

And I celebrate the anniversaries that are markers of how far I've come. I lean into celebration.

As I get older, I collect more anniversaries and special days, they are starting to overtake the painful days.
There are begining to be more times to celebrate then to mourn. I wish the grief and pain that comes with death and losing those we love could become less intense. I just think my container that I hold my pain and grief in is becoming more welcoming to hold those feelings. I'm no sure if it ever will feel less painful, ask me again in 10 years.

What I do know is I will continue to mark these anniversaries, processing all that comes with them.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn-Romans 12:15