Doubt.

 I recently moved back to the South Island after almost 7 years of being in the north. I’ve moved to study to become a Counsellor. It’s day 12 of being here in Ōtautahi Christchurch, and it’s finally stopped feeling like a holiday and started to feel like the reality is sinking in. I’ve left my entire life behind to trust God in what I and many have spent close to 2.5 years decerning. It’s wild, crazy, scary and brave.

Doubt is a normal part of life I’ve learnt to not be afraid of it and to welcome it into my life. In the places of doubt, I’ve experienced God in ways I could have never even considered let alone experience.

 I’m grateful to my Blueprint/Renew/Anglican whānau for the journeying we have done, that forged my faith, the deep, wide, solid faith I now carry and live with today. That faith stood the test of time in processing through my trauma, working on my recovery, and being a part of an Evangelical church that threw my faith sideways and upside down yet grew my ability to stand up for what I believe to be the truth about Jesus. It also guided me through the deaths of my Niece, Katherine and my sister, Frances which still at times is hard to come to terms with and reconcile.

I don’t think change can happen without doubt. Not in my experience. When I had a dream one night (for those of you that don’t know me, I don’t dream at all) that I was at studying counselling, and I remember saying to God in the morning, 'what on the literal earth was that about?' And later that morning received an email from a friend who also had a dream about me going to bible college, and I just knew this was the seeds being given to me to start planting for this season, which has taken over 2.5 years and is only about to begin.

I doubted the whole way, I doubted while I was praying God’s will, I doubted in my own personal counselling, I doubted in conversations with friends, and I doubted while packing up my gear, getting on the plane and sitting here writing this. I’ve had God so close to me throughout this, providing the whole way. I’ve landed in an amazing Anglican intentional community flat with awesome people, joined an incredible church, made some great friends as well as reconnecting with a close friend who hasn’t lived in the same city for 4 years. God has continued to provide for me in every area. No issue getting a new fantastic counsellor, getting into my course, money, resources, support the lot.

And I still doubt it.

I take heart in these times the many stories in the bible where doubt was normal. In Luke 1 the story of Zechariah. He doubted and rightly so, he and Elizabeth were way too old for children, But God came through for them. They were blessed with John the Baptist! Or In John 20 when Thomas, a disciple of Jesus, doubted Jesus was even the resurrected Christ and it took Jesus showing him his scars and Thomas touching them. He did life with Jesus and doubted Jesus!

 It's wild to me because, for the longest time, I would get so mad at God for giving me the life I’ve had, and if he just put me in a family of strong Christians I wouldn’t have made the decisions in my life that I have and now live with, I wouldn’t have suffered so much etc. But what doing recovery with others who have had that ‘ideal’ Christian family has shown me is, it’s still broken and messy and traumatic at times.

Nothing is a quick fix. And God can see the purpose of the journey, even when and especially when we can’t hold that anything good could come from the shit and mess in our lives.

Our Doubt doesn’t stop God’s goodness, it creates a platform for God to work in ways you are unable to imagine or expect. And I think it is a MASSIVELY IMPORTANT thing to FEEL THE DOUBT, process the doubt, talk, rage and have your doubt.

Feelings are God-given, doubt isn’t any different. It’s a normal part of the human experience. And I hope we as Christians who love Jesus can accept doubt as a normal part of our own lives. To not be afraid or ashamed of it but to embrace it with bravery and courage that tells others “You are so normal to have these feelings, thoughts and worries. Your doubt is normal.”

 Jesus knows doubt all too well. Let’s learn from that example.

I sit here today deeply grateful at God not giving me many of the things I thought I wanted and needed to have a “Good life”.

Because My life is Good, with all my Doubts.