Grief. A reflection.


Grief 


I have so much Grief 

It just bubbles up

The more I can't see it, the louder it becomes, like a pot of water on to boil, the energy overwhelmed my soul.

So many blindspots that I can't keep track of, leaving me in a state of confusion. I wish it wasn't this way.

I beg and pray for God, please any other way. 

For God. 

My emotions flood over me, hitting me like a tidalwave, flooding my soul, overwhelming my mind, finding it hard to make sense of the truth.

Grief is more then loss. It's also about the things that should of been and could of been and all the hopes and dreams that become lost.

In my grief I get lost in the I wish

I wish it wasn't this way

I wish it could be different 

I wish I didn't feel this

I wish for it to be different 

I wish God could seen me, and didn't abandon me.

God, please why, why is life this way?

There's so much pain and suffering in our broken world. 

so much grief.

Overwhelming.

Longingly I try to wait.

Try is all I can do.

Waiting patiently for his loving kindness to envelop my being. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cultivating Peace in my Recovery

Hey, this is a piece of writing I done for a talk I was ask to give at my community church camp. So hope it blesses you.   Cultivating Peace in my Recovery I've built a teaching and a testimony here but mostly its a story of God's faithfulness, Love and peace in my life that i pursue in recovery. Its built around a block of scripture that's foundational for me which is -  Philippians 4:6-9 New Living Translation 6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus 8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, honourable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard...
Read more

Spiritual practices and Shame.

  I've been having a conversation the last 2 days with God, which as they always do, started with me wondering about things. My latest wondering: how do some Christians come to the conclusion that the ‘right’ way to be a Christian involves, church every Sunday, 5 am wake ups, reading the bible for 2 hours/doing a devotion, MUST read their bible and pray every day and if you don’t then….. what do you tell yourself? I had been telling myself I must be a bad Christian or not Christian ‘enough’ because I don’t have these set routines. But who sets these? Don’t get me wrong, spiritual disciplines are important, as is being daily and deliberate. I’ve been thinking of it like this: Imagine the person you are the closest to, perhaps a husband or wife or someone you love very much, that relationship did not come about without some type of spending quality time, perhaps being daily and deliberate working on that relationship, yet now you know this person and there are still new and excitin...
Read more

Anniversaries

Anniversaries are really important to me. These are markers in my life that help me to understand myself. They help me to make sense of time and space. Some are really positive like 2nd March 2021 the last day I self harmed. Or 17th March 2019, the first day I committed to being sober. Or 2nd February 2023, I moved to Ōtautahi,Christchurch to study counselling. Or 5th September 2020, the day I graduated rehab Or 28th February 2016 I moved to Te Whanganui a Tara, Wellington. But there is painful anniversaries 2rd March 2021 My sister Frances passed away 26th June 2020 my niece Katherine passed away Other ones that are just really hard to forget as much as I'd wish I could. For myself, living with C-PTSD its been important to mark these anniversaries in my phone calander, no matter if they are the good and the painful. To process through the pain and grief and to live into joy and celebration. Trauma impacts memory, so marking these anniversaries each year (Good, hard or j...
Read more