Recovery and Sanctification

 Recently the tv show Fleabag turned up in my life. The ratings are really good, it’s British (love their witty sense of humour) and sounded just all around a great show, which watching the first episode proved true. So great. However, within the first scene, there is a sex scene, which is something in my gut winced at. This type of content wouldn’t have phased me for those who have known me. As I continued to watch I just found myself sad and disappointed.

because I knew in myself couldn’t continue watching this show.

What the heck is going on? Is this what it means to be in Recovery? I noticed a few years ago that I couldn’t listen to a lot of my old music. Deftones, Korn, Slipknot, Papa Roach and even some music by Pearl Jam just to name a small few and that had been because it's all associated with really rough times, times of trauma, times of using. It’s something no one I’ve known has spoken about in recovery specifically. But I have learnt that we have to turn away from the things that have been unhelpful, most obvious substances like drugs and alcohol and also people\associates that are unhelpful\unhealthy for us. So naturally, it makes sense things that had played a role in my old life that I had turned to in times needed to go. Music was one, and other forms of media. I used to love movies like Texas chainsaw massacre, Crank and just other movies full of violence, sexual content, and vulgar themes, these days for example I went and watched the movie Bullet Train and I didn’t sleep very well for a few nights after.

For some people this is enough to put them off of recovery and to be honest it doesn’t put many people off from recovery at all I think many people in recovery hold onto these things because at least they aren’t using. Do I think you need to give up these things to have a good measure of recovery? No, I don’t.

But,

I think we need to give these things up to allow ourselves to be sanctified.

Old mate google says Sanctification is the act of making or declaring something holy or to be sanctified is to disconnect from sin. And I think that means a heart intention because we need to realise that to be human is to sin. And don’t even get me started on the loaded word of ‘sin’ we all do it, daily if not more and it’s why we need Jesus.

So is what I’m experiencing a recovery thing or a sanctification thing?

I feel annoyed even pondering this question. I was happy just putting it down to recovery. Yet I know many people in recovery listening to music and consuming media I’m now unable to. Sure, don’t compare yourself. But, I can’t help but wonder, what is it about me that I’m now unable to watch this brilliant tv show called Fleabag?

Why does an EDM song spin me into urges to drink? Why does a movie with violence make me feel physically sick? Why at the end of Fleabag did I feel sad?

Let me unpack what I think is happening for myself.

2 things. The first is a lot of it is associated with my old life, I think the enemy is always attempting me lure me back in, as well as at times I just want out of my pain at this moment so perhaps engaging in this song or movie or show will give me some form of escape. As it did in the past. Never successfully I might add. Add in our brain’s automatic search to help us avoid pain and it’s all a bit of a mess in the end.

The second is what I now know to be not only me being sanctified but I’m becoming whom I was created to be my caring, empathetic and compassionate self. Something I so desperately wanted to believe existed but was way too busy consumed by my desperate need to avoid and get rid of my pain and suffering, created the opposite. And some of that includes things that I’ve done that I’m still working on forgiveness of myself and others and seeking forgiveness from others for. It’s a heavy, hard, reflective process that’s pretty painful and hard to face and I am so grateful for God’s relentless pursuit of me in it all.

While watching this show Fleabag, what I could grasp is this young woman who had a rough life, her mother has died and now she’s coping by disconnecting her emotions and using relationships  /sex/dysfunction to get by(bearing in mind I’ve watched one 20 minute episode) and its become painful to watch someone struggle like this when you know deeper what’s going on. And it’s relatable because you were a fleabag once. And it’s just super sad.

I just yelled AARRGGGHH at my screen in frustration because it makes me feel super weak, and just really ‘soft’ (which are valid feelings and are an indication of what is true)

But, I can’t get away from this scripture in context as well but this specific part in Ephesians 4:20-24

“But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God – truly righteous and holy.”

My recovery has got me out of the way I was living and this sanctification process is making me new, well I believe who I originally was created to be before the weight of the world turned up.

And it hurts deeply for me to see others suffering in this same way, like fleabag, like others living in recovery and many who are yet to come to that place where they will seek recovery for themselves.

I used Anger, violence, control, rejection and isolation as defence mechanisms to keep people far away from me because the pain of being unable to help others in their pain was too much, and so I needed to keep people at arm’s length, I needed to be in control and if the slightest attempt to hurt me was suspected I was in there first, hurting you.

When I fully realized this just over a year ago I committed to not use those ways again, but to talk things through and to use them as an emergency light, guiding me to something inside of me that needed attention.

Some of that has turned out to be this big sense of injustice that God has given me to fight for what’s right, which is that love is the most important thing. Love God, love your neighbor as yourself. Yep, loving yourself is important.

I’ve done that full 180 turns, towards God. It’s not perfect and never will be. But it does mean I need to grieve my old life. My old music, old behaviors, habits and my ability to watch these brilliant shows life Fleabag.

there is a temptation to sink into shame that I've become to weak which isn't true. if you ever feel this same way please know in no way is this weak. In fact its real strength. We are strong! 

 Any loss incurs grief. That’s what I’ve learnt. And so ill probably go back to watching Parks and Recreation for the 5^th time as well as the Chosen. And that’s okay. At least until something else more suitable comes along.