choosing Faith

 These last few days I’ve been so swamped with emotions. Mostly anger at God around my sister and niece no longer being here.

The thing is though, I haven’t been expressing it to God. And it’s because anger has caused me so much damage in my past. I can’t trust my anger.


Today I watched episode 4 of season 2 of the chosen where Jesus meets the man who has been sick for 37 years at the pool of Bethesda. 


Do you want to get well?

What a fucken stupid question? 

I’m living in a rehab that I spent almost 18 months in and I’m here living and breathing recovery for you to ask me do I want to get well? 


What more do you want me to be doing?


I realise that I’m the man at the pool.


And that my recovery has become a doing rather then a living. 

And I find myself once again getting so angry at the pain and suffering I’m living in. The injustices of my life, of my family and my friends lives.

I want my pain and suffering to push me into the arms of Jesus. Except it leaves me running in the other direction, angry, upset and feeling abandoned.


And I think some styles of Christianity don’t help (personal experience)


I currently lack the hope I need to carry me into my future. I’ve been working for my recovery and my faith when Jesus needs me to stop and just accept that

‘My grace is sufficient for you’ 2 Corinthians 12:9


Does that take my pain away? No.

Does it bring back my sister and niece? Nope

Should God of healed them? Personally Yes he should of.


But it didn’t happen.


So what do I do in the face of reality that God let me down so badly that it’s now left me with no hope for my own future, and that all I’ve been working towards could actually lead me to more suffering?


I choose to accept the reality.

I choose to feel all the feelings

And today I choose to find my small faith, to trust in my God who has hurt me and Let me down so deeply.


Because even though it’s been a battle, even though I feel so much anger and injustice and I want to run and even though choosing to trust what God says even when I don’t believe it is

Faith.


My choice today is Faith.


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