Recovery is so worth it.

It's been awhile since I've sat down and written here. I think I just got too caught up in my writing that I lost actual sight of what the purpose of this blog was for myself, to be a place where I can share my raw, unfiltered thoughts, learnings, pains and wins.


The last few months I've been on a journey of trying to heal my relationship with food. 

No easy task at all.

We need food to live and when the thing that gives you sustenance and sustains you becomes an enemy it's a daily battle.


I've been doing this book daily, it's called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst (you can find her book here ) and she sums up what i feel so deeply


“Yes, I want to lose weight. But this journey is so much more than just that. It really is about learning to tell myself no and learning to make wiser choices daily. And somehow becoming a woman of self-discipline honors God and helps me live the godly characteristic of self-control.”


I realized pretty quickly on this journey that this isn't a weight loss/diet journey, this is healing my soul's longings and pains that I have had no idea about and has led me to just stuff it with food. 


11 years ago i lost 84kg, i've done it all, gym, you name it diets,pills,shakes a lot. But nothing ever addressed my heart's pains and my soul's longings. Nothing ever made me stop and ask, “why do i need to eat this right now, in this way? As I stuff these chips and chocolate down my throat, what is it that I'm hoping it does? Fills my longings? Brings me comfort?

It's like two people who speak different languages trying to communicate, you just completely miss each other and get nowhere. My eating had become my way of trying to give me what I thought I needed. 


Comfort

Security

A friend

A place to belong


The things i didn't have, food was it all.


I think we all know what feeling invalidated feels like, and that is what my relationship with food has continuously done to me, invalidated myself. Because food can't and shouldn't be in a place where God wants to be. Needs to be. 


As a non christian battling this stuff, I was without hope. Now I have God and he is leading me home on this journey.


This journey is really about me learning to have self discipline, learning how to say no to myself, learning to be obedient to God's call and to trust, trust that when life is upside down and seems hopeless that food in that moment isn't going to do anything. In Fact it will just leave me feeling worse.


Everytime i eat out of a reaction or absence of emotion, im saying to God “You're Not God, im God and i'm in control” and i think for me i step out of God's will into my own free will, and it's hard for God to work in my life when i dont allow him to. 


If you're reading this and your not a christian, or your relationship with God isn't where you hope or want it to be, or your just struggling i so challenge you to pray to God to show up, show up in a way where your committed to letting him take you through the desert (or dessert) so you too can be free. If you pray with faith as small as a mustard seed I know he will show up. I know it, I'm a living, breathing proof!


I so wish this journey was as easy as doing the keto diet and going to the gym. I wish it was as easy as injecting myself each day and staying away from chips and chocolate. 


It's not.


It's not your lack of will-power, you're not lazy. 


You're broken. And when we realize that God is able to take that broken and create something beautiful. And you will have more freedom than just being free from excess weight. Trust me.


I can say I truly like me. And I spent my teenage years and 20s wanting to die. There wasn't one thing I hated about myself, I hated everything. My mind, my body, my voice, my being annoying, my talking too much, the way I walked and even breathed. 

Now I'm able to look in the mirror and like who I am even though I'm only halfway through my weight loss goal. Some Days i can say I love myself. I love myself. I'm 34 in 5 weeks and only now can I say that I like me. 


I've worked hard, and my friends and community have worked hard, though God gets all the glory in this one.


Praise God

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