What does it mean to allow myself to be truely loved?

I have been feeling really challenged by the questions, what does it mean to allow myself to be truely loved? And I’m not talking about romantic love though I’m sure its all linked, or that love we take sometimes for granted from our family and friends. I’m talking about the type of love that transforms people, the love that holds both joy pain all at once. The love that makes us fight for each other rather then against one another. And I’m still writing this from a place of not fully understanding this love myself. The type of love where we choose to talk not run, discomfort over resentment, where we listen more then we need to speak, we give up things we enjoy so others can have freedom. The ability to not need to be right, even when we know we are.

This is the love only found through God’s people because they believe that God loves them with a type of unconditional, no agenda, just because you are you love that is impossible to have without God as the foundation.  My friends and community have role modelled this to me which has impacted my faith more then any preaching, days at church, worship sessions and the such. 

This “walking the talk” many of those who profess to be christians don’t get the blessing of experiencing in this life time. Even considering it was the last thing Jesus said to his disciples in Matthew 28:

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptising them all in the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit” 

Have we forgotten or don’t understand that meaning of make disciples? Not go and make a mega church where Sunday is the main event. No he is meaning to walk alongside one another, physically, emotionally, practically and spiritually. (Don’t get me wrong, all those things are important to)

Being able to experience that has drastically impacted my entire life and no doubt the outcome. I moved to Wellington in February 2016, 3 days after my 28th birthday. I had no idea i was heading for the life i had hope and dreamed and begged God for. It just wasn’t how i expected it to play out.

You see I’ve battled with a binge eating problem for as long as i can remember, i realise now the battle is most likely that the binge eating gives me that hit of dopamine my ADHD brain is constantly deprived of, i still battle with this though the battle is much deeper then this pattern. A big part of the battle is the messages i feed to myself, especially each time i binge.

Just this once

You will never be good enough so what’s the point in trying.

You will always be fat and ugly

You will never been good enough so why try

Your not loveable

You will never be good enough to be loved.

These messages are things I don’t mean to tell myself but i do, it comes out of nowhere like a whisper but causes damage like a freak storm. If I continue say this to myself each time, what is that doing? Perhaps keeping me trapped in this binge eating cycle that no amount of self discipline or will power can change. It has to start inside myself. Having issues with attention and building self awareness make it all the more challenging. And add the enemy who’s trying to destroy every and anything in sight.

While i battle away and work through these core lies, i continue to be blessed by the people in my life. I have the most amazing friends who i love and love me dearly that its now at the point for me I can’t deny it, I can’t make up in my head or convince myself that I’m not loved by them.

I recently had to have a pretty hard conversation with a close friend of mine, I didn’t want to have it, though when i found myself feeling resentful and wanting to destroy our friendship i knew i needed to. So i was brave and honest and named how i was feeling. 

Let me just say there’s so much disarming power that comes with owning our own stuff and humbling ourselves to apologise without excuse or explanation. When someone does that it starts to detangle and undo the resentment thats there and i think helps us to move towards forgiveness in a more natural way. 

We were able to chat through what had happened and then the next day i was able to write out and express more of what was going on for me, i found myself wanting to humanise rather then demonise which had always been my protection in all my relationships, making a monster out of someone so I didn’t have any attachment to them and therefore unable to let them hurt me. And even though my friend is one of the most safe people I’ve ever known, feeling like doing this was risking it all. Our friendship, my not wanting to be hurt, all the hopes that doing this heals our friendship in a way that brings connection and trust. What if it doesn’t and our friendship is over.

Rejection.

There it is, the fear of being rejected, my worst fear. Some part of me that had been damaged through my upbringing, being rejected as a child by all of my peers and never having friends growing up, turning up like a familiar yet unwanted weed in the garden you spent years trying to remove. 

Definitely acknowledge you rejection, yet this isn’t what’s happening here.

I also wanted to honour my friend. He’s been such an amazing human/friend/brother to me. He’s been there with me through some of the best times of my life, celebrating birthdays and graduating from Rehab. And some of my lowest points. He was right there with me when my sister and my niece passed away, the biggest gesture of love I’ve ever received to spend time, energy, money, being present emotionally/physically and spiritually. 

To be there for me. 

Like I can’t not receive that love, I can’t buy into the lies I’ve been feeding myself from a world so broken it can’t nurture and embrace my beautiful sensitive soul, the lies of that my self worth is in what i look like, my body, my self image. Lies that I’m unloveable because I’m broken and used. Lies that i will never have the hopes,dreams and desires of my heart because I’m not good enough. I can’t listen to these lies when i have the literal hands and feet of the one who died the most painful death that anyone could ever imagine. My friend being Jesus with skin on.

To live in a way that our lives reflect the love of the one who formed us, brings more change to people then being preached at. I am so blessed and proud to say my friend and many others do this with humility, compassion and peace that radiates hope to all.

That resolution me and my friend went through, we fought for our friendship. We talked and communicated until we were both seen and heard. Those conversations we had, i believe i got to experience God’s heart for all his people, his heart for restoration and reconciliation. That out of the pain and brokenness God uses it. Beauty for ashes. Kintsugi. 

God can only do this if we let him. If we be brave and speak up. If we stop trying to control each other through bitterness and resentment. If we embrace the compassion we all have for one other instead of being driven by pain.

A lot of what i speak here is my deepest hearts hope, I’m still working on being able to believe that I’m worth loving wholeheartedly. 

I pray that you find it in your deepest being to allow yourself to be loved in a way that transforms your entire life. 

Peace.

.