The realness of Grief

Trigger warning- talks of/themes- self harm/suicide and strong language. 

 Grief is so painful.

And each time we experience loss, there is grief and that grief brings up all the other grief we have experienced.

I don't blame or judge anyone who builds a system of dysfunction to cope with grief. It's incredibly painful.

I fight most days, fight to feel my feelings, the emotions. I challenge my thoughts and urges, urges to use or self harm or to end my life, urges to destroy my relationships and cut everyone I love and who love me off. 

Why are they there? These life destroying things? Because it's actually too painful to look at the pain. We want to avoid it at all costs. 

Then add the lack of skills in, how to actually have my human emotions and also emotional permanence and issues in self regulation. It's hard. I fight every single day for my recovery.

Sometimes the urges are so loud and so tempting I actually don't think I'll get through. And sometimes I don't. And I laps. 

But that's all it is. Laps.

I work too fucken hard for relapse.

I have been wanting for the last month to get a few posts up. I've got 3 half written.

Then the grief takes over. 

And I'm paralysed.

My sister and my niece died.

They actually fucken died.

I trusted you God to not let this happen.

They shouldn't have died.

Why them? Why cancer? How is this fair?

I cling onto God so tightly I'm sure he has dents in his shoulders.

And I beg him please make this pain stop I can't fucken handle this.

And he speaks, so ever softly.

"i'm here"

Where God? Where the actual flying fuck are you? 

I'm humbled by Psalm 139:7-12

I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.

Reality sinks in. I can't hide from you God. I can use and abuse anyone and anything. But you are still there.

But where are you God?

And I sit in this pain, where I feel so incredibly alone yet so seen by God. 

I wish I could be more uplifting, though this is a place where I share all of me. Including my deep pain and the grief I'm currently working through or it's working through me I'm not quite sure. 

And the reality is life is painful. And God is close.

I pray that you too can know that deep in your spirit the reality that we must go through our pain so it can transform us and that in that journey God is close.

Blessings.