Embracing transformation.

 Trigger warning- mention/talks about addiction,self harm and suicide

I notice all the times I start to fantasize about things.
How great would it be to have a drink, it won't hurt anyone.
I think I'll unblock and message this person and see how life is going for them.
I can totally consume this food/movie/music, it's no big deal.
Just one more.
It won't hurt anyone, and besides we all have stuff.
Oh man I'm not as bad as some, I can totally do it.
I'll just look, just this once and only this once.
As long as no-one knows then it's totally fine.

What's my real intention here?
What am I trying to frame up, actually?

Even talking tonight with my flatmate about how my attitude to drinking alcohol was "what's the highest percentage of alcohol for the cheapest amount of money"
Why? Because getting drunk was the aim. It's always been the aim.
To obliterate myself. To become completely numb, without any conscience screaming back at me that this is not who I am.

This isn't you Aleisha.

Drown it, deaden it, destroy it. That voice that fights alongside the monster of shame trying to devour us only how a shark knows how.

It started with an unknowness and an almost innocence that only a child without fear knows, as they approach their parents after they fall off their bike they run into the arms of their beloved so desperate for the pain to stop. Urgently needing comfort and relief.
Looking for the safe harbor.

We so hope the things we run too provide us with that safe place. I think the fact that even when we know it's not helping, it never helps and trick ourselves, we hold a hope so deep that maybe, just maybe this once this drink or this food or this relationship or this sexual encounter or this drug or this video or this cut or this attempted will stop the ever screaming void so deep inside ourselves we couldn't measure if we tried.

Can we reclaim that hope for the redemption of our lives?

The voice of how great it would be to have a drink stirs up for me most days, along with thoughts of other harmful ways that I desperately want to believe with everything in my being that they will help.
But I can see them for what they truly are.
Lies.
My brain looking for a way out of my emotions.
My humanness trying to avoid the painful feelings that come up.
We are built with this natural desire to seek to avoid pain, it's there to keep us alive.

But when the things i run to cause me death i need to step back and re-evaluate my life and the things I use as my refuge.

What if I chased my recovery with as much effort and perseverance that I use to get my fix?

What if I chased wholeness and holiness with the same power and strength?

What if the maker of the heavens and the earth and everything in between, the universe and beyond not only chose me, made me, formed me in my mother womb but he wants an actual relationship with me?

How would I live if I fully believed these things.
How would you live?

Well, I think I'm definitely half way there, I'm in a place in my life where I am time and resource rich so I can rebuild myself.

And I pray that you too can be brave enough to step away from those thoughts that start the ball of destruction rolling. I pray that your able to find strength and courage in committing to the full transformation into who you are created to be.
May you know how loved you are 

Ephesians 4:22-24
Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.