Guess what? Your not a Burden.

 In counseling this last week I had a pretty big realisation. 

Let me give you some context.

One of the biggest things I've become aware of is the damage i had caused on those people i love, due to my own unwellness and brokenness, having no boundaries and no way of being able to have and process my emotions which a lot of my life would drive me, like how a steam train works, you control the speed and force by how much fuel you feed it and if you want to slow down you need to plan to stop putting coal on the fire and it will in a sense ‘cool down’ enough to slow. I have been a person where the ‘coal’ was everything that triggered me and it was almost like a huge bucket would dump on the fire and make it out of control. That's pretty much how i lived, a runaway steam train with no coal controller (hopefully this metaphor makes sense)

So in this and in my recovery and i think it's something people don’t realise what happens is that as we heal and grow and recover (or discover) parts of us that through trauma or just the world’s brokenness and our own pain our once deadened conscience starts to become alive, and as long as we listen to the guilt that says ‘we have done something bad or wrong’ and not the shame that says ‘i am bad or wrong’, guilt is our friend because that helps us to change, grow, made amends or take things to God where shame causes us to run and hide away.

So for me i am living in this life where God brings things up, memories or situations where in the past i really fucked up or made mistakes in and need to made amends from, ‘make it right’ and half the time its not even about me and the other half its not even about the situation, what i believe is happening for me is that God is trying to do what it says in Romans 8:29 ‘And we know that God will cause everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purposes for them’(New Living Translation) he loves me so much he wants me to learn from past mistakes, and this means a massive amount of humility, grace for self, self honesty and honesty with those who we have hurt or wronged. Many friends/whānau reading this have been on the receiving end of these chats, which always leave me feeling more full, rich and loved. I think that is real restorative justice perhaps?

Another thing i hope as I've grown, healed and started to develop into who i know God created me to be, people trust that when they need to have these conversations with me they are well received, appreciated and people make the effort because they love me to say the hard thing/s

This is a true relationship and true love.

And we can see it all through the bible, Jesus going around saying the hard stuff in a way that continues to draw people into true deep relationships. I don't know about you but I absolutely struggle with this.

My most recent example was, someone posted something in my church's facebook page which pissed me off, and i think was more clickbait and on reflection they were most likely lonely and didn't know how to ask for what they need in a healthy way, yet my first reaction was to call them out, and not too long after a member of leadership messaged me with such compassion and grace for my comment and said persons post. The post was taken down and I know it was done in a way that would have left the person posting it feeling seen and loved. Being able to see both sides and approach both sides with love, grace as well as truth is an incredible skill. And I continue to be the recipient of this beautiful, healing, sometimes painful ‘the truth can hurt’ approach even when I'm blunt, harsh and rough. 

Its that approach that i can really thank for my softness and me learning to not be afraid of my compassionate, sensitive, empathic and caring nature that I've spent my entire life running from (my top 5 strengths are: Restorative, Woo, Positivity, Empathy and Individualization which are all pretty people/Interpersonal relationship focused, no wonder my biggest pains and struggles are in that area)

Lets rein this in.

Counseling this last week. I live onsite at Te Nikau, a Christian based, privately run Residential Addictions Recovery programme, where I completed 17 months and live in a house for Graduates to continue to work on things. I love it here, I love seeing people become who they were created to be, I love the messy, i love the fun times and the quiet times, the staff are the most amazing, selfless, compassionate and Jesus loving people I've ever met. Each student that comes on the programme is so brave and courageous because it's not easy leaving your life and all your coping mechanisms even though they are life destroying, behind. It's not easy. Trust me I know. 

The past week I've had some amazing chats and yarns with some of the students, where I've been able to validate how shit things are for them and offer some insight from my own journey. Let me tell you, I've never known such fullness from meeting with someone who's in deep pain heart to heart and sharing such deep vulnerability and honesty. Each time I encounter this level of conversation it's like i hear God whisper to my soul that this is what I was born to do.

And all it is, is talking. No fixing, no rescuing, no solving and no saving. 

Its talking in a way where the person is seen, heard and validated.

And this gives me life, like it fills my soul.

And so I take this to counseling, this insight, this confirmation that all my prayers and discernment around wanting to study counseling is being confirmed over and over.

And then it hit me.

When people talk to me about their stuff it doesn't burden me, it enriches me, fills me and gives me life. Does that mean when I reach out to my friends that they feel the same? Maybe? Does that mean that the lies I hear spinning in my head when I'm struggling and need to talk, the lies that I'm a burden, are just that.

Lies.

And in that moment I hear God speak into the deepest place of my heart, the place where I hide from rejection. Yes. Yes, it's a lie.

I couldn't speak fast enough, and if you know me when I have a realisation like this I get super excited and overwhelmed, my brain thinks faster than I can speak and I have to stop, take a deep breath and gather all my thoughts (ADHD causes my thinking to scatter a lot of the time). I think my counselor was secretly stoked that I can finally realize this and in this moment she's sitting there smiling, nodding her head in agreement.

I’m not a burden.

You are not a burden.

This is a lie from either/or/and our childhood, past experiences and the enemy himself.

John 10:10 sums this up better than i could “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]”(Amplified Bible)

Please don’t buy into the lie that you're a burden, that you talking will burden someone. You may be stopping someone being blessed by you. So many of my “a-ha” moments have been through conversations with others in the depths of their pain. And i know now that's true for many of my friends who love me. Be brave. And I trust my friends' good boundaries, if they for whatever reason are unable to talk with me at that moment, that's okay. It's their job to look after themselves. Not mine. 

I know when i hear someone tell me they didn't want to call me to talk because ‘you have enough going on’ 

Look i love you but if you treat me like this we can’t be friends. Sorry with peace and love. This statement is more about you then it is about me.

As I finish this it's raining for the first time in a month and I look outside and it's just so beautiful, the messy wind, the downpouring rain. I think God, so much of life is just so messy, painful and hard. Yet in all of this you continue to fight for us. 

All we need to do in that is 

hear your call, 

be brave

and 

trust you.