What's on top?

 

I’ve been wanting to sit down and write for awhile. I think I avoid this because of the emotions and feelings that come out when I express the deep parts of my soul. Who really wants to feel there feelings right?

Lets just get right into the deep stuff

Trigger warning : talks about suicide/self harm

We just had the first camp of 2021, which was was extremely anxious to attend. I think what thats really about is how I perceive myself more then it being about not wanting to see anyone. I want to see all my friends all the time and that neediness in me that I feel or believe about myself freaks me the fuck out and so I try to counteract that by withdrawing. Something that's exhausting is my overthinking my relationships when im with others. 

Im constantly trying to figure out is how im being in this moment with this person appropriate, fun, enriching and life giving to them? And if its not do I need to remove myself or tone myself down. This is the stuff that I don’t know how or even if its worth talking it through with others. I think it definitely stems from me being told that im too… too loud, too annoying, too talkative, too full on, all these toos. And so that there I think leads me into somethings I was able to become aware of during and after camp and hopefully with all this knowledge ill be able to work through some of these things. (side note :fear is that what if im unable to actually work through this stuff but the answer is to learn acceptance, which I don’t want to accept)

I think being suicidal for the past week and a half had been rough, also because Im a person where I find deep freedom and wholeness in being able to share my deepest parts with about 4 of my closest friends as well as my counselor/supportive team, not being able to share this for both the fear of judgment (my sister and niece died and here I am being “selffish”) and also not wanting the accountability has given myself abit of a justification to head down abit of a self desrtictive path, which I didn’t act upon except for a pretty bad binge/purge the morning of camp. And my plan was to get 6 weeks worth of all my medications, text mary and tell her iv gone into wellington for the week, tell my friends im having a break from all devices, write a letter that hopefully but I know not successfully would help people to not blame themselves and then head up into the forest and hoping that it would be a good week before anyone thought to check up on me. 

To see these written out here makes me feel sick and my heart hurt. And if I be completely honest I don’t know if I would of followed through, but to not know 100% where id end up either with Jesus or in an eternity of nothingness, to think that there's an option where I could suffer more then im suffering here on earth just deflates me. And so for me to care enough about that to cause me to drag it out to the point where I would be saying to God okay God now you need to do something at camp because I actually cant fucken live like this. And for me God never does what I want (Except for one time when I prayed me and my ex would get back together and we did which I don’t really see as God answering a prayer more just two broken people being messy) which ALWAYS in hindsight like always I know im able to sit back and be grateful that God didn’t do what I wanted but he done what he had planned. And it fucken sucks in the moment and im unable to hold this knowledge that in the past God has come through afterwards but right now I just need to sit in this painful space and trust, I actually cant hold that in my darkest hour. 

And this is why for me community is SO key for me to be connected in with others so there wisdom and knowledge and love and grace and hope can hold me in the darkest times. Perhaps this is why interpersonal relationships are just like the mountain for me. The hardest thing I struggle with is the very thing that gives me life. So no wonder when I become isolated and disconnected I get into a space where wanting to die is not only possible but probable. Because I don’t want to be needy. How can I translate this into my relationship with God? No clue. I know all this stuff in my head but my heart hasn't any idea. I know God isn't like my earthly parents but you tell my heart that. And so I LITERALLY need God to do something, because I cant make my heart accept and believe everything in my head. And im not sure what he is waiting for. Is there something in the way? No idea.

Almost every camp ive been to over the last 5 years I would get in this cycle where, during a session I see God moving and I think and say to God okay God if your doing this for others then you can do it for me, and then I do nothing. Then I watch around me people praying for each other or being brave and asking for prayer and I think well God if you want me your going to have to tell someone to come and meet me where I am at and if you don’t then im absolutely not good enough. And so because I think God isn't manipulated which is in a sense what im trying to do because my entire life I had believed the only way to get my needs met was through manipulation and control, I start to believed im not good enough and im being rejected. 

And in the past year im able to sit in those feelings not panic and run/react, but prior to that I could and I would run and have a full meltdown mostly in some form of self harm. And so to have this knowledge I also have power but I also feel powerless because even though I know in my head now this is the reality my heart doesn’t know that. Yet. And I say yet because this camp was different. 2 different people on 2 different days gave me the same picture of God asking me to come put my feet and body in the water (side note not sure what this means but im thinking hes asking me to fully embrace his presence somehow) and so I didn’t seek this. 

On the Saturday night I was finally brave enough to not only ask for brave but to bare all, bare all the shame I had around this wanting to end my life, how I see myself etc. 

Actually ive missed a key part in all this. The first worship session a prophesy or picture was spoken out that someone in the room believes that everything they touch they muddy. And it just hit me like fully hit me, I believe I have nothing to offer, I have no worth, im not enough, and everything I engage with is worse for coming into contact with me. And so here's this driving force to keep me disconnected when the thing that gives me life is connection. 

So im grateful for that insight. But having that prayer from a friend that has seen me in some pretty rough spaces and was able to be that bridge between me and God was just this beautiful time of being seen and validated especially them just going that sounds like fucken shit, in this therapeutic environment that I live in I don’t get that validation unless I call a close friend and they are able to do that, also just a time where in that moment I couldn’t believe the lie that I was a person who is always rejected, never seen and has nothing to offer. There wasn't a way I could hold that. Perhaps I need to get my beautiful friends to pray for me more often. 

Sunday another friend, someone who im not close with but really admire just out of no where came to pray for me but the prayers she was speaking was just this complete truth bomb of you have worth and you are loved and your an incredible leader and all these things that sure people have told me and I know in my head but it was like she was being the voice of God into my heart at that time. Pretty powerful. Id like to say from all of that ive now been healed and my head and heart are one but its not there yet. Though I hold hope that whenever God decides to merge them together its going to be so transformative in my recovery and also how I see myself. 

And I trust the need to analyze all my interpersonal interactions with people will decrease, and I will be able to say with complete truth and believe in all my being I am lovable, enough and I love myself. 

How freeing it will be to be with others and be fully relaxed and comfortable.

I continue to hope that this day is soon. Like now. Haha.