Luke 8:39

I have been feeling really challenged by the questions, what does it mean to allow myself to be truely loved? And I’m not talking about romantic love though I’m sure its all linked, or that love we take sometimes for granted from our family and friends. I’m talking about the type of love that transforms people, the love that holds both joy pain all at once. The love that makes us fight for each other rather then against one another. And I’m still writing this from a place of not fully understanding this love myself. The type of love where we choose to talk not run, discomfort over resentment, where we listen more then we need to speak, we give up things we enjoy so others can have freedom. The ability to not need to be right, even when we know we are. This is the love only found through God’s people because they believe that God loves them with a type of unconditional, no agenda, just because you are you love that is impossible to have without God as the foundation.    My frie...

 Trigger warning- mention/talks about addiction,self harm and suicide I notice all the times I start to fantasize about things. How great would it be to have a drink, it won't hurt anyone. I think I'll unblock and message this person and see how life is going for them. I can totally consume this food/movie/music, it's no big deal. Just one more. It won't hurt anyone, and besides we all have stuff. Oh man I'm not as bad as some, I can totally do it. I'll just look, just this once and only this once. As long as no-one knows then it's totally fine. What's my real intention here? What am I trying to frame up, actually? Even talking tonight with my flatmate about how my attitude to drinking alcohol was "what's the highest percentage of alcohol for the cheapest amount of money" Why? Because getting drunk was the aim. It's always been the aim. To obliterate myself. To become completely numb, without any conscience screaming back ...

Trigger warning- talks of/themes- self harm/suicide and strong language .   Grief is so painful. And each time we experience loss, there is grief and that grief brings up all the other grief we have experienced. I don't blame or judge anyone who builds a system of dysfunction to cope with grief. It's incredibly painful. I fight most days, fight to feel my feelings, the emotions. I challenge my thoughts and urges, urges to use or self harm or to end my life, urges to destroy my relationships and cut everyone I love and who love me off.  Why are they there? These life destroying things? Because it's actually too painful to look at the pain. We want to avoid it at all costs.  Then add the lack of skills in, how to actually have my human emotions and also emotional permanence and issues in self regulation. It's hard. I fight every single day for my recovery. Sometimes the urges are so loud and so tempting I actually don't think I'll get through. And sometimes I don...